Breezes: Random Spurts from the Vampire Life
by AlohaFox
Summary: A variety of tales from the Cullens, Bella, and of course the Volturi. [NEW: Jasper 0.2]
1. Jasper 01 Campfires

_Can you guess that I'm bored…and that's why I'm writing so much?? Ha-ha. _

_I guess I'm just trying to soak up freedom before school starts. (Tuesday. Holy crapola.)_

_I know that a lot of people have done random short stories such as this one, but I really feel like starting my own series…but this time, I will organize them all. Ten stories per character! _

_I will start with my personal favorite as of now: JASPER! _

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**Breezes: Random Spurts from the Vampire Life**

By Hazuki Zuko

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**JASPER 0.1**

"**Campfires"**

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"Wow, what a wonderful night for a campfire," Carlisle sighed. "Splendid idea, Jasper."

Jasper couldn't help but snigger. Alice beat him only by a millisecond, as did Emmett. Carlisle gave the three of them a deathly look.

"People…you are teasing me again," he reminded her.

"Wot? US? What the devil ahre you TOLKing about?!" Jasper exclaimed, setting the entire family into giggling fits again. His phony English accent sounded hilarious when it was mixed in with his natural Texas drawl.

"Did you bring your guitar?" Edward asked, wanting to draw attention away from Carlisle. Somehow he always got to be the joke.

Esme grinned at Edward. She knew what he was doing.

Jasper nodded, pulling it out from behind his chair. "What're we going to sing first?"

Nobody answered in time, and he grinned maliciously. He began to strum the guitar.

"_Kumbayaaaahhh, my Lord…kumbayaaaaaahhhhhh_…"

"NOOOO!" the Cullens chorused. If his English impersonation was bad, then his singing of the traditional campfire hymn was even worse with the country twang in his a's.

Jasper grinned again. "Hold on, I've got it now. I was just warming up."

"Oh, _great_," Rosalie sighed.

"_On top of Old SMOKEYYYYYYY, all covered with SNOOOWWWWW…I lost my POOR MEATBALLLLLL…WHEN SOMEBODY SNEEZED!_"

"Jasper, that doesn't even rhyme!" Esme interjected.

"Decide which version you want to sing – both together are awful!" Edward chimed in.

"_She SAT on the HILLside and strummed HER GUITARRRRR…strummed HER guitar…strummed HER guitar… She SAT on the HILLside and strummed HER guitar. STRUMMMED HERRRRR GUIT-AR-AR-ARRR! Mmm plucka-plucka, mmm plucka-plucka, mmm plucka-plucka PLINK!"_

"No…this song goes on forever," Carlisle groaned as Jasper sung the next verse.

"We've got forever," Esme replied, grinning up at him. He tucked her hair behind her ear affectionately.

"_They WERE to be MARRIED, but someHOW she died…someHOW she died…someHOW she died..._" Jasper continued into verse three.

Edward clenched his fist. "Skip this verse…please…"

"Edward, it's just a song," Alice reminded him. "Trust me – I KNOW things."

Edward nodded, still shaking his head. Alice shook hers back. His pessimistic nature still got to her sometimes. He tried to block out Jasper as he sung the next verse. And the next.

"_The TOMBstone fell OVER and SMISHSMASH he died…SMISHSMASH he died..._"

"Is this song OVER yet?" Emmett groaned. "I thought this would be a cookout…of you know what I mean."

"I'm afraid it's not. But it could be…a DANCE FLOOR!" Carlisle suddenly exclaimed, grabbing Esme and waltzing with her around the fire. She was laughing.

"Carlisle--! This is so random of you!"

"I know. Isn't it wonderful?" he murmured, kissing her cheek.

Emmett didn't waste a second in grabbing Rosalie and dragging her out, too. She protested, but didn't wrench away. Even as Emmett's hand reached down below the belt of her jeans.

"_The MORAL of this STORY is NEVERRR trust guys! NEVERRR trust guys! NEVERRR trust guys!_" Jasper continued, emphasizing his accent on "guys", so it sounded like "GYYS".

Alice was laughing so hard she actually knocked her chair backwards and she landed with a thump and a little shriek of surprise.

Jasper immediately dropped his guitar and ran to check on her. "Alice! Are you all right?"

She giggled up at him in that tinkly way of hers that always reminded him of fairy dust. "I'm fine, sir," she joked as she let him help her up. "But it doesn't look like your guitar is."

Jasper looked around as did everyone else when they noticed that no music was in the air except for the cricket chorus.

"…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jasper howled into the sky, to the thumb-nail shaped moon. "I'll never play again!"

"Maybe I can bring my own musical talents to the campfire," Carlisle grinned, pulling something from his shirt pocket; something small and plastic-looking. "MY KAZOO!"

"OH NO YOU DON'T," Esme demanded. "Give me that thing!"

"Emmett? Do you have your harmonica?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm way ahead of you!" Emmett smirked in return, playing four opening notes.

Alice, Esme, Rosalie, Jasper, and Edward all covered their ears just in time.

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**THE END**

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_YAY! First chapter over with! Please review – ideas are encouraged!!_


	2. Jasper 02 The Haunted House

_Wow, 4 reviews for the first chapter, I think that's a new record for me! Thanks you guys!_

_This will definitely be my last post before my first week of high school. I don't know when I will have the time to write more – but I think I'll be able to do it. I have STUDY HALL!! Ha ha. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters from Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. And I credit many of Jasper's fears to my best friend Ame Warashi! lolololol_

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**Breezes: Spurts from the Vampire Life**

By Hazuki Zuko

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**JASPER 0.2**

"**The Haunted House"**

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"BAM!" Emmett exclaimed, punching the air. "THAT'S what I call a HUNT!"

"Easy there, sonny. You almost popped my jaw," Jasper replied jokingly, which ended up with him sounding like a sheriff from the Old West.

The image of Jasper in a cowboy hat and spurs made Alice have a laughing fit.

Edward groaned. "Jasper, you did it again…"

"What?" Jasper replied. "Jokes happen to be my specialty."

"I thought it was MINE!" Emmett replied.

"Too bad, squirt."

"Who are you calling a squirt?"

"YOU. You're younger than me, remember?"

"OH. OH. NO YOU DIDN'T!"

Before Emmett could wrestle Jasper to the ground, Carlisle had a sudden thought in which he expressed in a juvenile fashion, his eyes bright and more youthful than ever.

"Let's go to a haunted house!" he exclaimed.

Everyone looked at him, blinked once, and slowly sank into their own thoughts.

(ooh a haunted house sounds like fun oh great they're having the insane asylum theme again oh well at least it's not realistic) Alice thought.

(oh my god oh my god this is even worse than THE THING) Jasper thought to himself. (wait Edward can hear me I can't say I'm scared oh darn it I just did)

(bring it on bad boys bring it ON) Emmett grinned to himself. (i am gonna kick your bada-)

"Hey, you remember the rules, Emmett," Edward warned him. "I heard that."

"I didn't say it!" Emmett whined.

"Ten. Cents."

"Aw, Edwarrrrrrrrrd…"

"That's a dime, Emmett. Pay up."

Emmett silently loped off to find the Swear Word Box in the den.

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As soon as they all arrived at the haunted house, the Cullens paid a dollar.

"There goes my funeral fund," Jasper groaned.

"You can't die on meeee!" Alice cried, clinging to his arm.

"I just might after this freak house!"

"Oh, p'shaw, you're tough. You'll have fun!" Alice grinned. "Besides, if you get scared, you can always cling onto my hand."

Jasper tried to smile and clutched it.

"Let's go into the haunted house!!" Carlisle crowed excitedly, wrapping his arm around Esme's shoulders.

And so the Cullens entered the haunted house, which was made to look like a crumbling Victorian with cobwebs and drying paint.

Jasper gulped and grabbed Alice's hand even tighter.

"Jasper…" she moaned irritably. "That's getting annoying."

He loosened his grip. Slightly. He was the first to enter the house, unfortunately.

"Um…" he looked back at the family and mustered up a lopsided grin. "All right, y'all, let's go…" He turned around so no one would see him grimace.

He opened the door and as soon as he stepped inside the floorboard complained, letting out a low, eerie groan. Jasper gasped.

"Jasper, it's just a floorboard," Rosalie sighed. "It's not going to bite you."

"OHMYGODASPIDER!" Emmett suddenly shrieked, looking up in the corner of the doorway.

"It won't hurt you," Esme insisted, wondering if this was a lost cause.

Jasper was now officially freaked out. And he hadn't even gone…upstairs yet.

"Let's go upstairs, y'know…get this over with," he muttered, and the rest of the family followed him.

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"…Ed-Ed-Edward-d-d…?"

"_What_, Jasper?"

"…the pictures are _staring_ at me. Staring into my _sooouuuullll_…" Jasper shuddered, turning away from an old aristocrat.

"Come on, it's just a painting. It's not going to climb out and steal your soul," Alice encouraged him.

"I don't know, Alice…" Edward murmured teasingly, "ever since you made us watch _The Ring_, I've been a little nervous around paintings, too."

"…and TV," Rosalie added.

"…and blank video cassettes," Carlisle finalized.

Edward growled softly.

"But anyway," Jasper tried to perk up. "This haunted house has seemed pretty quiet for --"

"_Meow!_"

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!_"

The sound of Jasper's screaming made the family on the other side of the haunted house start screaming, too. Jasper had practically climbed on top of Alice to escape being in the path of the black cat, who stared up at him with matching golden eyes.

"…you…you've come for meeeeeee!" he wailed, pointing to the cat. Alice was caught off guard, but managed to humor him by holding him up.

Just picture that for a second: Jasper, who is very, very tall, sitting on top of very, very tiny Alice's shoulders. And she does not struggle.

The cat hissed once – Jasper only replied with one in return – and stalked away.

Alice then proceeded to dump Jasper onto the ground unceremoniously as if he were a sack of laundry. "Thanks for the warning, scaredy cat!!"

"It's that cat's fault!"

"Jasper Hale, you are going to survive this haunted house if I have to drag you around!"

Alice then grabbed his wrist and led everyone to each room, opening the door. Behind every one was a surprise. Jasper screamed at every single one of them.

But the last door was the worst. He just knew it was going to be.

Alice opened it. Inside was the cat, being held by a Samora imitator.

Jasper screamed so loud that the Cullens thought they would all go deaf by tomorrow. Jasper, still screaming, ran down the creaky steps, bound out the door, and ran all the way back home to their mansion.

When everyone returned they saw that every light in every room was turned on. They went into Jasper's room, where they saw him wrapped up in blankets, shivering and rocking himself back and forth.

"…um, so…" Carlisle spoke first. "…did you have fun?"

Jasper eyed him evilly. "…never again…am I listening to you…"

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_Kind of off-season, I know, but hey. I was bored. Review, enjoy!_


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